Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
