Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
