who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
