How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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