when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
