I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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