The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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