If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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