Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
