dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
