Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
