chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
