I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
