if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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