i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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