While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
