I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
