ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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