If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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