Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
