She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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