I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
