I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
