no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
