I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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