some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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