The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
