Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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