the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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