If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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