That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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