you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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