she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
