Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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