John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
