Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
