Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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