I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
