and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
last night I used snow as a chaser
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
