So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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