Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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