Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
