she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
