I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
