i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
