Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
