watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
