I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
