Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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