I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
